Really, True Blood?
I guess you get the television you deserve. If you’re lazily watching a formerly enjoyably sexy soap opera limp towards its end game, you shouldn’t be mad when said show’s actual writers feel lazy, too.
But still, last night’s hour was so weak, I felt as if I’d been trolled. By a TV show. As in, oh, sweet summer child, you thought you already knew all the ways in which True Blood can be awful? Well, watch what passes for closure in Bon Temps!
Sad trombones and spoilers after the fold.
Alcide
In an evening of true deaths—Maxine Fortenberry! That caveman-looking resident from Grey’s Anatomy, I think—Alcide’s was the most stupid. I mean, I knew he had to die to get out of the way of Sookie and her one true love, Bill. But a part of me still hoped he’d be smart and just tell Sookie to go fuck herself, and Bill if she wants to so badly, and last see Bon Temps as it grew smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror. He almost did.
Alas, he died how he lived—naked and caught in the crossfire of one of Sookie’s massively stupid battle plans. He was better than that. Joe Manganiello’s abs were better than that. A moment of silence for those abs. Truly these are the last days of True Blood.
Tara
Okay, so, Pam really did feel Tara die during the season premiere? Holy shit, Tara is really, really dead? And it happened offscreen?! What in the fuck—True Blood, I hate you so much right now.
Eric
The best part of Eric’s scenes was definitely his 80s hairdo.
As much as I enjoyed watching Alexander Skarsgard naked in a French vineyard, the whole Sylvie storyline was kind of a non-starter. Again, we meet a new character we’re told is super important to Eric, like Nora, and it just amounts to a big so what? If Sylvie was so dear to him, why did he never speak about her? Is it some big deal that she was a smokin’ hot human? Why wouldn’t Eric turn her before the Authority even turned up?
I guess the biggest deal was that Eric chose Pam’s life over Sylvie’s when he was forced to and I guess that was supposed to make his later release of Pam more poignant, but we’ve seen Pam and Eric do this “I won’t leave you” dance as recently as last season’s finale. So it just didn’t have a lot of weight for me.
Willa
Can I rescind her invitation from my TV screen? Because I never actually invited her onto my TV screen in the first place and I certainly don’t care about her. She’s out-Arlene’d Arlene.
Lafayette and James
As much as I want to like the idea of Lala and Jessica and James having a big ol’ love triangle, I could do with a bit more chemistry here. But it was great to see Lafayette dance again. And if James can’t swallow pills, why was he acting high after Lafayette partook of some chemicals? A really good memory? Is Lafayette’s good mood contagious? And how long has James been feeling ignored by Jessica? She stood watch outside of Andy’s house only three nights ago or something. Maybe James is just looking for an excuse. I just can’t wait to see Jessica find out.
Still, the award for most awkward couple goes to…
Jason and Violet
“We’re in the middle of a fight! Fuck off!” Well, I like Violet’s refreshing honesty. But only on TV. Being around a tense, arguing couple in real life is really uncomfortable. Maybe Violet will break up with Jason because he’s not the manly man she wants and James will break up with Jessica because she’s not the manly man he wants, and Jason and Jessica can hook up again. Because, you know, everyone’s got to be with someone on this show, right?
However, once Bon Temps’ most notorious playboy is getting an urge for babies, there might be something or someone else in the cards for this Stackhouse.
Sookie and Bill
It’s inevitable. Just hook up and let this show be over. That was the dumbest plan. Let’s just make Sookie stand in a field as bait while a lone vampire watches her from a tree. And it worked. This final season is shaping up to be just as bad as Dexter’s, especially in the logic department. But as long as I don’t feel completely cheated emotionally, I won’t be able to stay mad at True Blood.
Sarah Newlin
Okay, I don’t think anyone was clamoring for her to be back after she kind of wore out her welcome last year, but, whatever. I did like the surprise of seeing her in yoga class in that opening. Too bad her guru couldn’t stick around a little longer. I hope her newfound Eastern religious experience makes her just as scarily earnest and easily lampoon-able as her former Christianity did.
Next week: Maybe I won’t fall asleep during Sam’s scenes.
True Blood airs Sunday nights at 9 PM E/PT on HBO.
Theresa DeLucci is a regular contributor to Tor.com, covering True Blood, Game of Thrones, and gaming news. She’s also the resident Hannibal fannibal at Boing Boing. Follow her on Twitter @tdelucci
You failed to mention the reason that the Eric/Pam flashback was actually worth it…Nan Flanagan’s return! And Nan and Pam’s amazing banter.
“And if James can’t swallow pills, why was he acting high after Lafayette partook of some chemicals?”
Lafayette told him to wait 20 minutes for the drugs to mix into his blood. Then James drank of him (which we didn’t see,) which is also why he healed his neck in the morning.
Guh. This show. I have no idea why I’m still watching it, and last night removed one of the few reasons why I might continue other than sheer stubbornness because I’ve stuck it out this far.
“And if James can’t swallow pills, why was he acting high after Lafayette partook of some chemicals?”
He drank LaFayette’s blood. Did you see James heal L’s neck at the end?
Why is James acting high? Crystal clear, he *is* high, having taken the drugs indirectly through Lafayette’s blood stream. Lala even tells him to give him 20 minutes for the pills to mix *inside Lala*.
Can’t believe this was even a question in the review.
I saw the first few episodes of Series 1, and I’ve read all the books (trashy, but a bit of a guilty pleasure!) and NONE of what I just read seems to have anything to do with the ‘real’ story in the books. Alcide dead, Sookie ending up with Bill? Wtf? *SPOILER* Sookie was always meant for Sam, right from day one! She never ever wanted to be a vampire, so how could she have ended up with Bill?
Why do networks bother basing shows on books if they’re just going to make up whatever they want anyway?
@1 Yeah, Nan was pretty great — and unexpected — but I still most enjoyed Eric’s feathered hair.
@3, 4, 5 No, I didn’t get to see James heal Lafayette’s neck. Thank you for clearing that up. Sometimes I have to look away from the TV to jot down notes and my holiday travel plans meant I could only watch this episode once. (Normally I try to watch twice – lucky me.) And thus my family kept coming into the room, making it awkward/harder to do my post. Have a little sympathy. I don’t get the luxury of review copies most times. I do normally try to pay attention.
Except to Willa.
Thanks, Theresa! I guess my morbid curiosity over how the series will end is winning out over my general sense of frustration with the show, since I’m actually caught up on this season (after giving up a few episodes into the last one :) In any case, I missed out on Last Season James entirely, which is maybe why James 2.0 doesn’t bother me at all, but apparently the first actor left the show because of the romance-with-Lafayette plotline planned for this season. I just happened to see the link floating around last night and thought it might be of interest–at least that seems to indicate that Lala might stick around a bit longer, which makes me happy :)
Even better than Eric’s feathered hair? His stone-washed, pleated jeans.
Gotta agree, last night’s show stunk to high heaven except the one-liners. The post-coital “Namaste” put a whole different spin on the yoga word for me.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if Sookie ended up with no one at the end of the season? Got a backbone and a real job? Maybe went off to college?
I was not sorry to see Alcide go. He has always been an idiot (remember his first girlfriend?) and last season he was an a-hole to boot. I agree that the writing has reached new lows of laziness and I have no idea why they felt the Eric backstory was necessary. Oh, Eric values Pam’s life! I had no idea he cared!!! I did enjoy seeing Maxine get hers, I just wish Violet had used her other hand to disembowel Tara’s mother at the same time.
@9 I’d never suggest that waitressing isn’t a a real job, as my mom and sister are both waitresses and it’s tough. (I don’t think you were implying that, though.) And college isn’t for everyone. But yeah — Sookie doesn’t work ANY job! How does she pay her bills? Maybe she should develop a hobby or something.
I’m hoping she ends up alone, too, be all like Buffy and her half-baked cookie dough self and just not be with anyone until she matures. Because it’s not like Bill is such a great option, whether she forgives him for his past transgressions or not.
Bwaahaha. Today in The Onion: ‘True Blood’ Characters Openly Talking About How They Can’t Wait For Episode To End
Nope….definitely did not mean waitressing is not a real job. I did it. It’s real, it’s tiring, it’s often-times thankless, it’s stressful, and there’s not enough paid for all of those things and more.
@6 That really portends ominous tidings for the Sullied like myself as HBO drifts away from the Book Storyline on Game of Thrones.
Yes, disappointing. This season is on its way to being the most disappointing last season of any once-beloved TV show since LOST.
Not only are the writers lazy, they haven’t even WATCHED THE SHOW. Could they really not have spared a weekend to watch the previous seasons. If vampires can’t swallow a pill, how were they all eating blood sorbet at Russell Edgerton’s house? And I’m almost positive that the Reverend was married to somebody else, NOT Tara’s Mom (who can’t die soon enough for me), when the Reverend character was first introduced, so they’re re-writting the show’s backstory.
I stand by my comment last week that their idea of closure is to kill off all the characters by the end of the series, with the possible excepion of Sookie, and maybe Bill, and they might even kill them off in the final episode, like switching the lights off when you leave the building.
Which leads to an interesting question. Although the last character standing will almost certainly be Sookie, which other character DESERVES to make it out of the show alive? My vote would probably go to Lafyette (but no–homosexual, drug-used, black…he’s not going to make it), although a case could be made for Jason in his loveable dumb innocent mode, not his mean/psychotic personna.
I don’t know what’s worse, the ending of SVM or TB. Either way, everyone is getting screwed over!
This week I decided that Tara may be not just mostly dead, as I previously thought, but truly dead. Not just because Pam felt her death (the reaction took place offstage, just like the death, arrrgghh). My thoughts that they wouldn’t have killed off such a central character in such an offhand matter were erased when Alcide also died in such an offhand manner. He was there to save Sookie, but he didn’t die doing that, he was just murdered after the fact in cold blood by a random loser. I still think that Tara’s mom will turn out to be the one who killed her–that woman is just so delusional and toxic.
And I felt bad that poor Alcide went right after the speech about how Sookie didn’t really love him back. It was almost like the writer, after writing that speech, said to him/herself, “Oh, that’s right, Alcide’s getting in the way now, time to write him out.” I always liked the guy–one of the few admirable characters on the show–who tried to do the right thing.
Not sure what Eric’s flashback had to do with anything, except foreshadowing the Japanese corporate hitmen who showed up in the end to kill Sarah Newlin. But who are these guys, and where have they been all along? Shouldn’t the show be wrapping up threads from past seasons, instead of just throwing in random new opponents? Are they building up to Eric having a big role in True Blood distribution or something? And why haven’t these goons been caught if they are stupid enough to go around randomly killing gurus without then even searching their houses for clues?
The death of Mrs. Fortenberry was a bit out of the blue, but a fitting end for the character. I was kind of surprised that her heart was red–I always thought the heart of a person like her would be black.
If I am not mistaken, Lafayette was dancing to an old Brothers Johnson song–if so, the kid has good taste in oldies–those Brothers could funk it up with the best of them.
I did like the way the tough acting mob exercising their Second Amendment rights fell completely apart the first time they met a real threat. Which just goes to show you that there are advantages to guns remaining in the hands of a “well regulated militia,” as opposed to a bunch of self-appointed yahoos.
i’ll light candle to his abs, but honestly how much more pacing and looking pissed could alcide do? his character should have been written off a while back. he far outlived his purpose.
i’m wondering why the okinama waited this long to dispatch their yakuza. sure, they didn’t know the governor had planted hep-v in their tru blood formula at first, but it has been a while now. maybe the head of the corporation is infected. i can’t help but think that group must be headed by a vampire.
@15 – i thought the reverend’s confession mentioned that he was married when he met lettie mae. i recall he was and she set her cap for him and next thing we knew they were foolin’ around and then married. personally, i think that actor is giving a killer performance in every scene. he’s so grounded amidst all the lunacy. i love the way he stressed “strange…and unprecedented times” in his sermon during last season’s finale.
oh: is bill’s comment about being drained and renewed a clue that draining erik and feeding him new blood will cure him of hep-v?
Stupid show leading up to everyone being killed off except doormat Sookie and snore bore Bill, who treats Sookie like his child, seriously sick. To bad the creater of the show got hooked on the personal lives of two actors and totally trashed the entire production.
So, I take it that NONE of the writers for this show actually read the book series that it is ‘based on’. I’ve read all of the books (even won a small bet on who Sookie would finally end up with: in the books). I enjoy watching the clips on You Tube, but I’m pretty sure I won’t be buying the DVDs for this series. They have killed off most of my favourite characters; churned up the plots and relationships of the rest of the characters that I cared about in the books; and one of the characters, who is still going strong as the TV series nears its end, actually died in one of the earliest books. I’m confused, but not by the books.
I think they have accepted that they’ve ruined the show and their favor to all viewers is to kill off just about everyone. I know I barely blinked an eye when Alcide died. But the Tara thing was ridiculous. Killed off screen AND no real reaction from Pam. I expected at first that maybe they just were gonna have Pam on a different timeline and then show how she reacted when Tara died. But they can’t even give us that?
The return of Nan was probably one of my favorite things in that episode. And I do kind of love Jason’s girlfriend (whose name I can’t recall at the moment) but mostly because she is the ballsy vampire that so many other characters fail to be anymore once they laid eyes on the oh so precious Sookie. Even Pam has become soft.
The only thing that saddens me about the impending deaths of just about every character is that they’ll likely kill off Lafayette and I have loved him steadily throuhout the series.
The reason James seemed high is because he was. Lala took the pills, got fucked up, and then fed James. So through drinking his blood, James got high too. Thats why Lafayette said something along the lines of ‘ill do the pill popping’ (totally paraphrasing that line, cant remember the exact words).
Honey you are taking the story too literal. Let it be what it is and enjoy it.